


Airplane

by Starren_Moonstone



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Bad God AU, Emotional Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-24
Updated: 2019-04-24
Packaged: 2020-01-25 19:50:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18581416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starren_Moonstone/pseuds/Starren_Moonstone
Summary: Set in the world of the Bad God AU: Matthew finds a book that resonates with him oddly enough. He starts having dreams that don't really make sense... unless they aren't dreams at all. Though, if he is to be honest in all this, he just wants time to himself to sleep. Being a Ram is hard.





	Airplane

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Bad God AU](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/475996) by Kyokoon and Lubo. 



> This story is set in the Bad God AU, created by Kyokoon and Lubo. Kudos to them making this really interesting AU. If you are new to the AU and want to know what is going on, go check out the Bad God videos on Kyokoon's channel first. The story will make a lot more sense after.

          The library was a new edition to the Compound, and was very bare of any books, except for a handful that the Sheppard, Vanya, had always kept with the younger lambs. Mostly fairy tales from all over the world. It was definitely a nice place to study in. There were a few desks grouped together in the middle of the library; bean bags were scattered around between bookshelves. The only thing that was really missing was a window to look outside at the garden. But, that would only beckon danger since windows were easily broken (either by a rouge mochi or Alfred).

          Matthew quietly slipped into the library, able to finally get some time alone since the young lambs he was helping with were having nap time. The silence that pervaded the room relaxed Matthew. He breathed a sigh of relief. It was the first time in a while that Matthew got some peace of mind since becoming a ram. He was either helping with the younger lambs, working with Alfred to get his grades up, working on his own lessons, or being with his fellow rams. It was all wearing him out. He should probably go to bed early.

          Matthew walked about the library, imagining what it would look like with all the book shelves filled with books. Each bookcase housing a different type of genre. He wondered if that would ever happen. Nevo didn’t really like the idea of the library to begin with, however Mikhail convinced him it was a great idea. The books that would be housed had to get approved, and Matthew had a good feeling that would take a while.

          The door suddenly opened and Vanya came in with a small stack of books. Right next to him was Kiku, also holding some books.

          “Hello, Matthew,” Vanya said, putting the books down on one of the desks, “Alfred bothering you again?”

          “I can handle him,” Matthew said. He glanced at the book pile. It was an eclectic collection from how to books to random fact collections. Though, there was one book that stood out from all the rest. A book about fighter planes during World War 2. Now, Matthew never liked learning about war and the like, however this book seemed to call out to him; it was like it wanted him to pick it up and read it. “Are these for the library?”

          “That’s right. Nevo approved of these ones already. I’m hoping he doesn’t take forever with the others.” Matthew noticed the slight begrudging tone.

          Kiku put down his pile of books and took out one from the top, that one being about swords. He flipped through it to get a sense of what it was about, and proceeded to take a seat in one of the bean bags.  

          “If you are going to be here anyway,” Vanya continued, “Will you keep an eye on Kiku?”

          Matthew nodded. How could he say no, especially when the man who had raised him all that time needed his help? Besides, he wanted to check out that airplane book.

          “Don’t forget to keep track of the time,” Vanya reminded Matthew before he left.

          Matthew looked around the library. It would help to have a clock in order to do so. That would have to be on the list of things to add. At least there was a bell that chimed the hour that could be heard throughout the Compound.

          The fighter planes book was a hardback, in a deep red color, similar to the color Matthew wore. He loved how it looked. It reminded him of the color of the sunset, and the leaves in the fall. Matthew took the book, and sat himself in a bean bag near Kiku. If he wasn’t so intrigued by the book, he probably would have curled up there and took a nap. He traced the outline of the plane on the cover of the book; the gold coloring entranced him.

          Eventually, Matthew broke the spell with a long blink and started looking through the book proper. The first section of the book was about the general history of planes and quickly explained the progression of them before World War 2 hit. As much as Matthew just wanted to get into the bulk of the book, he knew he needed to start from the beginning because he didn’t know much about airplanes to begin with.

          By the time the bell rang for dinner, Matthew had gotten through everything about the Wright brothers. He wanted to read more, but there were other things he was responsible for. The joys of growing up. “Ready for dinner, Kiku?” Matthew asked, standing up and facing the quiet lamb.

          Kiku looked up, the page he was on being on katanas. He nodded, got up, and placed his book on the desk.

          “How was your book?” Matthew asked as the two of them walked down the halls. Matthew brought the fighter plane book with him, hoping to continue with it after dinner.

          “Good. I knew there were several types of swords, but I didn’t realize how many there were.”

          “Is there one you like best?”

          Kiku thought about it for a moment. “Kanatas look cool.”

          Matthew couldn’t help but agree. They did look cool.

 

          There was usually some dinner topic that would carry throughout the whole meal. It started with Alfred never shutting up about anything when they were all younger. But then, there was one time Alfred got very sick. The table was very quiet and no one really liked it. So they took turns talking about some random topic and it stuck even when Alfred came back.

          It was Yao’s turn, and he brought up the subject of lucky colors. Red, of course was the luckiest of them all, according to him. Matthew couldn’t help but smile when hearing it. As much as he really didn’t believe all of Yao’s luck tidbits, it was still nice to hear that the color he chose was supposedly the luckiest. Good vibes and all that.

          “So, like, are all other colors unlucky?” Alfred asked, a little miffed.

          Yao gave him a hard look. “That’s not how that works.”

          “But then what happens if you wear a different color? Oh, if you wear blue, can you like breath underwater?”

          A collective sigh rippled around the table.

          “There is no way you can continuously be this dumb,” Arthur groaned, more to himself than anyone else. Though, Matthew full-heartedly agreed with the statement. He knew that Alfred was smart when he wanted to be. Key word: wanted.

          “Hey, Matthew?” Feliciano asked, scooting his seat so he could be closer to the blond, “Do you think you can help me tomorrow?”

          “What with?”

          “I’m making macaroons for Sunday dinner. It would be nice to have another pair of hands.”

          “Um… sure. I’m not much of a baker though.”

          “Don’t worry, mostly I just need help putting them together. I might run out of time at the end.”

          “Oh, I can do that easily.”

          Feliciano hugged Matthew. “Thank you so much.” Feliciano had this giant smile on his face. It was the kind of smile that was contagious.

          A meatball suddenly got thrown across the table, narrowly missing Alfred’s face. Feliciano and Matthew slowly turned to see the source of the rogue meatball: Yao.

          “Why would you waste a perfectly good meatball like that?” Feliciano asked in horror.

          “it wouldn’t have been wasted if Alfred didn’t move,” Yao said, glaring at the blond across the table.

          Alfred shrugged confused. “You should have had better aim?”

          Yao growled. He probably would have gotten up to strangle Alfred, but Ivan put a hand on his shoulder.

          “Calm down, both of you.” Ivan said, glancing at the door, “We don’t want Father coming to break up another fight. Right?”

          The room shifted silently. There had been plenty of times where they would all argue with each other. When they were lambs, the Sheppard would tell them to knock it off and behave. Since becoming rams, they didn’t have that reminder that they were supposed to work together. Nevo had to break it up a few times, none of which was a good time for anyone.

          “On a different note,” Francis said, breaking the tension in the room, “Who has started the paper Papa wanted us to write?”

          Ludwig awkwardly raised a hand. “What?” he asked when everyone looked at him, “I’m a slow writer.”

          Matthew silently groaned. He usually was right with Ludwig in starting assignments for school. But the new paper was giving him a hard time. Just to sit down and write it felt impossible for Matthew. He wasn’t sure why. Maybe it was the fact that he kept having vague dreams about a place far away calling for him. Maybe it was the growing boredom of being in the Compound and never going to the outside world. Maybe it was just Alfred. Sadly, that wasn’t much of an exaggeration.

          “Hey, Matt!” Alfred tackled Matthew from behind, “Can you explain math?”

          It took a lot of self-control from Matthew not to immediately throw Alfred over his shoulder and onto the ground. He had done that in the past, but in the middle of the hallway where there were a few lambs was not the place. “Math is a large topic. Be more specific.”

          “You know what I mean though.”

          Sadly, Alfred was right. The two of them had this connection that neither could explain well. It was like a twin connection, even though the two of them were very different. “Why don’t you say what you mean for once?” Matthew opened the door to his room.

          “I still don’t get decimals,” Alfred said flatly.

          Matthew sighed. He would rather get back to his WW2 fighter planes book. He wanted to get to the part that he picked the book up for. Or even just sleep. But… he did want to help Alfred too. As much as he annoyed the shit out of him, he still loved him and wanted him to succeed. “Alright, fine. But only for a little bit.”

          Alfred pumped his fist up as he followed Matthew into the room. Each of the bedrooms for the rams all looked generally the same. They were small and only consisted of a wardrobe, a desk with a lamp and a chair, and a bed. They weren’t meant to be anything more than a place to sleep in the nighttime, and a place to do homework in. The library, however, Nevo wanted to be the new homework place so that there was more community around the activity. Another perk that got Nevo to say ok to the idea.

          Matthew thought it was going to be difficult explaining decimals again, but Alfred was a lot more receptive than normal. It was more like Matthew was giving him a review session and Alfred was guiding it with questions of how things worked with informed questions. Matthew was glad, considering as he sat there helping, he once again realized how tired he was.

          “Ok, I think I got it,” Alfred eventually said, closing his notebook, “Thanks, Matt.”

          Matthew nodded and picked up the plane book. “I’m glad.”

          “So… what’s with the book? Is it for the paper?”

          “No…” But now that Matthew thought about it, he could use it for the paper. They did have to write about how some technology worked. Maybe he could do his on one of these fighter planes, like how the engine worked. “Well, maybe. It’s one of the books from the new library.” Matthew sat down on his bed. It would certainly make it easier for him to write a paper on something he was actually interested in.

          “Aw, sweet. Are there any books about being a hero?” This was an obsession Alfred had always had. He wanted to be a hero for everyone.

          “I, um, don’t know. Maybe? You should check it out yourself.” Matthew opened the book from where he left off.

          “Hey, do you mind if I stay and start working on my paper here?”

          Matthew looked up from the book, “Why not in your room?”

          “I do better when there’s someone else like working in the same room.”

          Matthew sighed and nodded. “Just don’t stay up too late. We have mass tomorrow.” It was more of a reminder for himself than for Alfred.

          “Yeah, yeah. Like anyone cares if I’m awake.”

          “Father cares.”

          Alfred flinched a little before saying, “Y…yeah, sure, right. But he’s like, the only one.”

          Matthew didn’t respond and went back to his book. It didn’t take him long to get immersed in its pages. He had learned a little about WW2, but never in great detail. Vanya never went into detail about any war, merely wanted to focus on the cultures of the world at times of peace. Matthew knew wars were terrible, and it was a good thing he never talked much about them, but at the same time, he would have liked to know more than just a group of nations fought and one won. Even though the book didn’t go into depth about what was being fought, Matthew still got the feeling it was very intense. The development of the planes was a clear factor of that.

          Matthew didn’t really notice when Alfred slipped into the bed. He lost all sense of time until a thought made him put the book down and be back in the present. _An empty plain in Germany. Hands raised in defeat. Smoke rising into an afternoon sky._ By that time, it was close to three o’clock in the morning and Alfred had claimed half the bed. Matthew put his book aside, and laid down.

          It took him a long time to settle down, partially because his mind was reeling over the information he just consumed. The other part was that Alfred was snoring in his ear. Eventually, Matthew did fall asleep, no longer having the energy to think anymore.

          _Alfred was sitting in his chair, sporting a bomber jacket when Matthew opened the door to the American’s office located in Washington DC. James had told Matthew the answer Alfred was going to give about his request, but Matthew needed to hear it from his brother’s mouth all the same._

_“Mattie!” Alfred said, perking up from the paper work he was ignoring, “You should have told me you were coming for a visit. What’s up?”_

_Matthew held himself back from running up to Alfred and giving him a tight hug. “There is an entire continent at war, Al.”_

_“Oh, yeah, that thing happening in Europe. What about it?”_

_“We need help. Germany is a stronger force than any of us have expected.”_

_Alfred cringed. “So? That’s your problem.”_

_“At least send supplies. Something.”_

_“I learned from last time, no.”_

_Matthew gritted his teeth. “And you don’t think that maybe the war isn’t going to spill out of Europe? That it might come over here? Germany has made allies with Japan. That isn’t too far from your coast, and Japan has been taking over islands of the Pacific one by one.”_

_“That’s not my problem.”_

_“Yet.” Matthew walked out of the room._

_“Mattie, wait.”_

_“Why? You aren’t going to listen, so what’s the point of talking. I have a war to fight.”_

_Matthew could see directly into Alfred’s sky blue eyes. They looked shocked, confused, and a little scared. “Matt…”_

_Matthew didn’t stay to hear the end of it. He walked down the hall, already thinking of the fights to come. America was staying out of the war, so that meant he had to pick up the slack. Fine, he could do that. Maybe he could prove his worth as…_

          The ringing bell of the Compound woke an exhausted Matthew. He felt more worn out than when he first fell asleep. The dream certainly wasn’t restful in the slightest.

          “Come on, Matt!” Alfred said, shaking Matthew awake, “We’re going to be late for mass.”

          “I thought you didn’t care,” Matthew muttered, turning over. Then the words sunk into him and he sat up.

          “Yeah, I don’t, but you do. Come on.” Alfred dragged Matthew out of bed and combed his hands through Matthew’s hair to make it look presentable.

          The two of them ran as fast as they could, which made the Sheppard raise an eyebrow when they got to the chapel door. Nothing more than that, seeing as they still made it before the final bell. A few of the younger lambs snickered as the two blonds adjusted themselves to look presentable.

          Matthew sat at the back of the chapel, trying to get the dream out of his mind. The bitterness he felt in the dream carried over to his waking life; it wasn’t a good feeling. Matthew followed the service; the constant standing and sitting was a rhythm he could get lost in and not have to think about his own problems. He didn’t sing, however. He didn’t feel like it.

          “Are you ok, Mattie?” Gilbert asked, coming up next to the blond after the service. “You were quiet this whole morning.”

          “I’m usually quiet.”

          “But comparatively. I like hearing you sing.”

          Matthew blushed a little. “I thought no one ever heard.”

          Gilbert looked down and shuffled a bit. “I do. It’s pretty, like a bird’s… Well, I have to go. See you at dinner.” The white haired boy took off like a rocket, leaving Matthew a bit stunned.

          ‘Did he… just…try to flirt with me?’ Matthew was too tired to dwell on it too much. He started walking back to his room and remembered he said he would help Feliciano with the macaroons. He stood in front of his door, debating whether or not to help Feliciano.

          “Something wrong, Matthew?” Arthur asked, walking past.

          “No, no. Everything is fine.” He should help Feliciano. It was the right thing to do.

          Arthur gave Matthew a careful eye before shrugging and continuing on with his own business.

          Matthew grabbed the plane book from his room before heading off to the kitchen. Feliciano was already there, getting bowls and ingredients together on the island counter. “You came!” Feliciano said, hugging Matthew in gratitude.

          “I told you I’d help.”

          “I know. But it is still nice that you’re here. Ooh, what’s the book?”

          “It’s about planes… I think I might use this for the paper we all have to write.”

          “That’s really cool.” Feliciano cleared off a bit of space so that Matthew could put his book down. “Here. Take a seat. I won’t need help until after the macaroons are baked.”

          “Thanks.” Matthew pulled up a stool and opened the book about where he left off. It was talking about the Canadian pilots of the time. The uniform for the pilots were simple enough: blue uniform and a jacket to keep warm that high up. A few wore parachute gear. It all felt… familiar.

          “Do you mind if I vent?” Feliciano asked, pulling Matthew from the book.

          “…no, but what about?”

          “It’s not a bad rant. I promise. I guess rant would be the wrong word for it because it isn’t really ranting and more about being honest about the situation…”

          Matthew, for as much as he was trying to follow Feliciano’s train of thought, felt his mind slipping. Not to any place in particular, but just slipping. He couldn’t focus.

          “…I kinda want to be in a relationship with Ludwig.”

          “What?”

          “Yeah… I know its weird since we are like all a family here, but… I really like him. He completes me. He always has. I don’t know how to describe how I feel.”

          “Try.”

          Feliciano did, going back to the small moments with Ludwig that made him feel this love. Once again, Matthew felt like he was weaving in and out of the conversation. It was Feliciano’s sing-song voice. It was very soothing and comforting.

          _“Everything is going to be alright,” Arthur’s voice said. It was quiet and sweet. Matthew could feel him hold him close. “Nothing is going to hurt you. I’ll protect you.”_

          “Matthew? Are you listening?” Feliciano asked, tilting his head at the blond who was spacing out.

          “Huh?” Matthew blinked a few times, remembering where he was in the present. On the counter were a few cookie sheets, and a bowl full of macaroon mix ready to be piped out.

          “…Are you ok?”

          Matthew messaged the area around his eyes. “I’m fine, just tired.”

          Feliciano leaned in to get a better look at Matthew’s face. His glasses always made his brown eyes look bigger than they actually were, which either made him look really cute or really creepy. “You have bags under your eyes. Are you sure you’re ok?”

          Matthew sighed, “I couldn’t sleep last night. Alfred’s snoring was really annoying.”

          “He snores every night though.”

          “Yeah, but it was really loud last night. I don’t know. Maybe it was because I was up until 3 in the morning reading…”

          “Matthew!” Feliciano looked at the blond in a bit of horror. His sudden exclamation shocked Matthew a bit. “Why would you do that?”

          “I got really invested in the book. Airplanes are interesting.” Though, if Matthew was being honest with himself, he wasn’t sure why he was trying to find out everything he could about the invention. “And then when I did sleep, I had a weird dream where I was arguing with Alfred and woke up more tired than before.” Dreams, as Nevo liked to say, were nothing more than the mind sorting itself out. Matthew had been told that throughout his childhood. But the dream… it felt more real than that. Like a long lost memory.

          “You should take a siesta. Before dinner. So that you aren’t falling asleep at the table. You already look your are about to do so here.”

          “You’re right…” Matthew closed his book and started to leave the kitchen.

          “Hey, if you want,” Feliciano said, catching the blond before he left, “You can put a few chairs together and take a nap here. I can make sure no one bothers you.”

          Matthew smiled, “Thanks, I think I will.” He took two chairs and set them in a nearby corner. Matthew propped his feet up on one chair while he sat in the other. It wasn’t the most comfortable thing in the world, but it was something. Matthew situated his head on the back of the chair so that it wouldn’t roll around and closed his eyes.

          He could hear Feliciano continue his work on the macaroons, humming a peppy upbeat tune to himself. At some point, Ludwig came in. Feliciano told him to be quiet if he was going to stay, which wasn’t hard for Ludwig to follow. He was a quiet individual anyway. Feliciano continued humming. Matthew tried to place the song. He knew he heard it before… probably some song Vanya played in the music box…

          _Matthew was in a plane high up in the air. The cabin was small, and only sat one person. The view below was amazing, seeing the clouds and a countryside below. He felt like he should have been enjoying this more, but there was a tight feeling in his stomach. There was something he was supposed to be doing. Someone he was looking for._

_Another plane came into view. The markings on it made Matthew feel on edge. This was what he was waiting for. Shoot it out of the sky. Matthew put his hand on the trigger and fired. After a few rounds of bullets, the plane was shot down. Matthew gently followed the plane to where it crashed, to see the damage it did._

_The shot plane was in flames by the time Matthew got out onto the ground. There was nothing for miles, and so he was alone, with the body of the other pilot being the only other company._

_Suddenly, there came a violent coughing and the other pilot clambered out of the plane. His uniform was charred and he had many scars all over his face, but undeniably this was Ludwig._

_“Halt!” Matthew said, lifting up a hand gun, “Arms where I can see them. In the name of the Allies, you are my prisoner.”_

_“Not that there is anywhere I can go,” Ludwig grumbled, complying to Matthew’s order, “But seriously, since when were you apart of this war?”_

_“I’ve been here a while, thanks for noticing,” Matthew said dully, “Who do you think has been targeting your planes singlehandedly? It’s about time that I ran into you personally.”_

_“You said yourself you wanted nothing to do with this war. Was that a lie?”_

_Matthew’s anger rose as he realized what Ludwig was getting at. He gritted his teeth and readjusted his aim. He shouted in the loudest voice he could muster. “I am not America! My name is Canada! And you better do well to remember that.”_

_Matthew felt something on his shoulder as Ludwig took a step back. “I… sorry…” Ludwig was saying, but his voice was dulled and the world around Matthew was blurring. There was a gunshot…_

          “Matt!” Alfred’s voice shouted, forcing Matthew to open his eyes. Alfred looked freaked out, with Feliciano and Ludwig looking on behind who were also worried. “You ok?”

          Matthew took a few deep breaths, trying to get a foothold back in the present. The scent of macaroons hit Matthew without warning. It smelled wonderful compared to the burning smell that he was imagining from the dream. “Yeah…”

          “You looked like you were having a nightmare,” Ludwig said, his voice calm and soothing as it usually was.

          Matthew nodded. He really didn’t want to think about it let alone talk. He remembered when he was younger the dreams that would pop up, about death and war and blood. It would terrorize him greatly. He hadn’t had something so bad in a while.

          “You really don’t look so good,” Feliciano said, “Are you going to be ok for dinner?”

          Matthew nodded again, but he wasn’t too sure about it. He really didn’t want to go, but it was a necessity for everyone to be present at dinner unless they were sick, which didn’t happen often at all.

          “I’ll make you some coffee!” Feliciano said helpfully, and ran off to go do so.

          Even with Ludwig and Alfred comforting him, Matthew didn’t really feel it. He wanted to be alone, and he knew he wasn’t getting it for a while. The macaroons looked beautiful, all cooked and lying out to cool. He got Feliciano to talk about them, so that he could focus on something else. Anything else.

          Dinner finally came, with everyone gathering around the table. The young lambs were running around excitedly, even as the rams were trying to keep them in line. It amused the Shepard greatly. Throughout most of dinner, everything was fine. Nevo had his usual beginning speech, that all the rams were used to and all the lambs were entranced by.

          Food was served, and for the most part, Matthew was fine. He was able to keep awake, but he didn’t eat very much. Getting close to the end, the coffee Feliciano made was starting to wear off and Matthew was having a hard time keeping his eyes open. He was holding his head in his right hand, hoping to be let go soon. With his other hand, he used a fork to play around with the remaining peas on his plate.

          “So, I have been working on my magic,” Arthur proclaimed to the nearby rams, “And look what I can do now.” He tapped on his silverware and they started floating in the air. He made them dance, which amused Matthew a bit.

          “Can they sing?” Alfred asked, smirking.

          Arthur shot a spoon at Alfred’s forehead.

          “Hey!”

          “No shouting at the table, remember?” Arthur said smirking.

          Alfred growled. “Why do you have to be such a piss-ass?”

          “Language.”

          “Shut up, mom.”

          Matthew’s eyes shut on their own. It felt good to have them closed.

          “Oh, would you like to make me? And remember, we’re in front of lambs.”

          “Why do you have to be so annoying?”

          “You think I do this for…” Arthur’s voice faded away.

        _“Laurent!” Matthew could feel himself shout as he ran through the bloodied streets of a city he had never seen before, but felt like he knew all too well. He knew the name of it: Quebec City. Bodies were littered everywhere and Matthew had this sinking sickly feeling in the pit of his stomach he wasn’t going to get to his province in time. “Laurent, o_ _ù_ _es-tu?”_

_Matthew suddenly stopped. In front of him was a man with grey skin, staring at him with bright red eyes. His hair was pink, in a way that made it look like it was stained with the blood that covered the city. “Found you,” he said, and Matthew noticed that his teeth were very sharp._

_‘Father?’ Matthew thought as in one fell swoop, Nevo got right up to Matthew and pulled out his still beating heart._

          Matthew let out a scream as he pushed himself from the table and fell to the ground. He scrambled to sit up and clutched his chest where his heart was beating behind it wildly. Tears brimmed; he could still feel the pain of having it ripped from his chest. He couldn’t get oxygen into him fast enough.

          Francis was the first to be at Matthew’s side, like he knew something like this was going to happen. “Come with me,” he said, helping Matthew to his feet, “Let’s get you some fresh air.”

          Matthew got a look at Nevo, who looked confused and concerned. He had stood up, ready to be at the blond’s side. Matthew tried not to look absolutely terrified. It was the red eyes… there was something off about them…

          Francis guided Matthew out to the garden, where the cool air hit his face and he could be in the present moment again. There was a scent in the cool air that reminded Matthew of that city… bathed in blood… His breathing picked up again.

          “Shh… everything is fine.” Francis sat Matthew down on a bench and held him close. “You are here. You are ok. You are safe.” Once Matthew calmed down again, Francis asked, “Would you tell me what’s wrong? You have looked off all day.”

          Matthew refused to say anything, “I would rather forget.”

          “You cannot keep things bottled up though. If you wish to spare details, that is fine. But at least say something about how you feel.”

          “I’m afraid if I say it out loud, it would become true. They’re just dreams.”

          “Maybe so… but, I’m starting to find that dreams are rooted in some sort of truth.”

          “But… I’m not afraid of being in Alfred’s shadow. I may be a wallflower, but I am different from him and I think people know that.”

          “Of course they do. But maybe a bit of that fear is still there in some way. Why, are these dreams about you disappearing?”

          “No… they are about me yelling at people.”

          “You can be very stubborn.”

          “Stubborn sure,” Matthew agreed, “But I’m not bold.”

          “You just need more confidence in yourself. I can see you being bold. Not in the loud, in your face way, but in the quiet, stand your ground way.”

          Matthew wasn’t sure what to say about that. They sat there in silence, out in the dark, chilly night. Francis started humming a tune. It was from France, and Mathew knew the song well. It was one of his favorites.

          “So, this is where you two went,” came the voice of the Sheppard, walking towards the two blonds. His voice was slightly scolding. He walked up to Matthew and looked him in the eyes. “Are you alright?”

          Matthew knew he couldn’t lie. He didn’t want to either, not to the person who had raised him. “I need sleep.”

          “That is better done inside, is it not?”

          “He needed to clear his head first,” Francis said in his defense, “You saw his face back there.”

          Vanya put up his hands in defense. “Relax. Has your head cleared then, Matthew?”

          “I think so?” Matthew was not confident about that since his mind liked to run at night.

          “Come inside then. You both know it is dangerous out here.”

          The three of them walked back inside. Francis ran off, saying he needed to find Arthur and would meet up with Matthew later.

          “I’m sorry,” Matthew told Vanya quietly, “I should have…”

          Vanya held up a hand, making Matthew stop. “You have nothing to apologize for. We all have moments of weakness. Take care of yourself. Get some sleep. We’ll talk later.”

          Matthew nodded. “When do you want me helping tomorrow?”

          “…if at some point you can go to the new library and make a list of things that should be there, besides books, I would appreciate it. I would rather you focus on getting the rest you need.”

          Matthew thanked Vanya and walked back to his room. When he got there, it turned out he had guests. Arthur and Francis were there, waiting for Matthew to return. Arthur was at the desk, looking through a spell book. Francis was standing nearby, looking of Arthur’s shoulder. “Hi?” Matthew said a bit confused.

          “Bonjour, Matthew,” Francis said, “I told Arthur what was going on and he had an idea to help you.”

          Matthew looked at Arthur confused. Arthur cleared his throat and explained, “I found a spell the other day that makes a person have a dreamless sleep. Based upon what I heard, sounds like you need it.”

          “Is it… safe?” Matthew knew that once in a while Arthur’s spells would backfire spectacularly.

          “Of course it’s safe!” Arthur said annoyed.

          “Well… that is why I’m here. In case things go wrong.” Francis smiled, which only made Arthur even more sour. “We all know how terrible nightmares can be, and we want to help you through this.”

          “…thanks guys,” Matthew said, a small smile crossing his face.

          Matthew got into bed as Francis pulled the desk chair over. Arthur flipped the pages in his book, looking for the spell. From outside the door, a few of the rams were running about. One was definitely Alfred, that goddamn bundle of energy. “They better shut up,” Arthur said, glancing at the door.

          “Well, if they don’t, you can remind them that you can make a pretty impressive fireball,” Francis said.

          “Indeed.” Arthur grinned subtly. He had gotten really good at casting that spell, to the worry of Nevo and the begrudging amusement of the Sheppard. “Here it is.” Arthur said a few words and his eyes glowed green for a moment. Matthew didn’t feel any different and he wondered if the spell even worked. “That should do it.”

          Matthew wasn’t that impressed.

          “What? It will take effect when you go to sleep. I’ve done it to myself several times.”

          Alfred’s obnoxious laughter came from just outside the door.

          “That’s it!” Arthur snapped his book shut and walked outside. “Alfred, shut the…” Arthur closed the door, and his voice got muffled.

          Matthew pulled the covers up higher and closed his eyes. He could the hear shouting from the hallway. “Francis? Can you do something for me? Can you sing for me?”

          “It’s the shouting in the hallway, isn’t it?”

          Matthew nodded. “You also have a nice singing voice.”

          “I’m happy you think that. Is there a particular song you have in mind?”

          “The song you were humming earlier. La Mer.”

          Francis smiled, “That is a good choice.” He cleared his throat and hummed a few notes before he started singing:

La mer,

Qu’on voit danser le long des golfes clairs

A des reflets d’argent,

La mer,

Des reflets changeants

Sous la pluie

          Matthew, like the others, learned French in the lessons they were taught. However, he picked it up easier than the others. Francis did too, and the two of them would converse in it with each other when they didn’t want anyone else listening in. Matthew imagined the ocean, with the waves caressing the shoreline in the light of the twilight sky. It was a calming image.

La mer

Au ciel d’ete confound

Ses blancs moutons

Avec les anges si purs

La mer begere d’azur

infinie

 

          Matthew woke up with a knock coming to his door. He didn’t know how long he was out for; he was still tired but he felt a bit more refreshed. He got up and went to the door, where a small lamb, named Tino, stood looking nervous. Matthew remembered this one in particular. Tino loved making small toys and leaving them in random places for the others. Sometimes, these toys would be next to the doors out in the hallway. It was really sweet.

          “Sorry for waking you,” the lamb said cautiously, “But… I can’t sleep…”

          “You know you shouldn’t be wandering around at night on your own.”

          “I know…”

          Matthew smiled, “Come on. How about we get you some warm milk?”

          Tino nodded. Matthew took Tino’s hand and they walked to the kitchen. It didn’t take long for Matthew to heat up some milk as Tino sat in a chair, swinging his feet around. Once Tino had a little bit of the milk, Matthew asked, “So, why can’t you sleep?”

          “…I had a nightmare…”

          “Do you want to talk about it?”

          Tino shook his head. “It was really scary. And I heard that dreams don’t mean anything, but...” Tino sniffed. There were some dreams that you really can’t shake.

          “I was told that when I was younger too. We all get nightmares every now and again.”

          “What do you do when you have them?”

          Matthew couldn’t very well tell this young lamb about his freak out earlier… and no doubt he remembered what happened at dinner. “Humming your favorite song helps. And… I know that Alfred used to write down his dreams in a journal.”

          “Maybe I can do that! But I don’t have a notebook.”

          “I can bring you one tomorrow, if that’s alright.”

          “I’d like that a lot. Kiitos!”

          “Finish your milk, so that we can get you back to bed, eh?”

          After Matthew brought Tino back to bed, he took the long way back to his room. He knew it wasn’t something he should have been doing. Wandering around at night was dangerous. However, Matthew was older and knew how to defend himself, and needed the walk. The compound was quiet. The grey and twilight blue scheme of the halls made Matthew feel like he was walking around the concept of night itself. He always wondered why the hallways lacked all color.

          Who was he? And why was it that he had dreams that sometimes felt more real than his life here at the Compound? He could just forget and live as he always done. His life here was good. Aggravating at times, but good. He longed to go venture out in the world, but it was dangerous. At least that was what Nevo always said.

          ‘And what if he is wrong?’ The thought hit Matthew as he got back to his room. It wasn’t the first time he thought of it. No, especially not with Alfred going on and on about how they can’t trust Father and what he said. But the question then became why would he lie? Matthew’s eyes shifted to the book about WW2 fighter planes lying on his bedside table. ‘Where am I from?’ An image of a bright red maple leaf popped into his head.

 

          A week had passed since the last update to the library and there were only a few more books added, all of which were on music theory. Feliciano was already all over the new addition, not to the surprise of anyone.

          Matthew was measuring out a section for a fish tank. Something nice to look at while studying, plus a quiet pet for them to look after. It would teach the younger lambs a bit of responsibility. A few of them needed it.

          “Good morning, Matthew,” Vanya said, coming into the library with a few lambs, “Working on decorating?”

          “That’s right. I was thinking of a fish tank.”

          “That would fit nicely here.”

          Once the lambs were busy perusing the books, Matthew got out a folder and handed it to Vanya. “Here’s my paper.”

          “You finished early. I wasn’t expecting to see this for another few days.”

          “Well, since I was thinking about this stuff anyway, I figured I’d do so in a productive manner.”

           Vanya gave Matthew a quizzical look. “This is about the airplane book I have seen you with all week? That should be interesting then.”

          “It should be. It’s amazing how they can get planes off the ground.”

          “I look forward to it.” Vanya started heading back over to the lambs in the library.

          “Wait,” Matthew said. Vanya turned around. For a moment, Matthew second guessed whether or not he should tell anyone about this. However, he knew he needed someone else to know, and he was worried what his peers would think if he told any one of them. “There’s something else. My name… my actual name… I remember what it is, and sort of who I really am… who we really are.”

          Vanya came up next to Matthew. “You remember everything?”

          Matthew sighed relieved. “Not by a longshot… It’s more of a feeling than anything. If there are any books I can read… I would. There’s this hole in my heart and I know its because of forgetting my homeland.”

          Vanya thought for a good long moment before responding to Matthew’s request. “There are, but these we will have to be careful with. Nevo would not like you reading them.”

          “Figures.”

          “What got you to remember your name?”

          “The airplane book. I remember being a good pilot, despite never stepping foot in a plane.”

          Vanya chuckled. “Of all the things that would get you to remember, I never thought it would be that. But, you were very terrifying up in the skies.” He let out a long sigh. “I think it goes to say that we keep this to ourselves, hm? At least for the time being.”

          Matthew nodded. “What would Father do if he found out?”

          Vanya stayed quiet.

          “It’s fine if you don’t know. I don’t want to find out anyway.” Matthew said quickly.

          Vanya smiled solemnly, giving Matthew the impression that he did know exactly what Nevo would do. It made Matthew not want to know the fact even more. “Give me a few days to find a book for you, and you will have to take care of keeping it in your room.”

          Matthew agreed and went back to measuring out the fish tank. He had a few ideas on what it should look like. Something bright and colorful for sure. Maybe he should ask Yao for ideas. He could feel Vanya watching him carefully.

          “I’m surprised how calm you are,” Vanya eventually said.

          “Well, it could be because I don’t know enough. However, I promise to stay calm even if I remember everything. I just want to know what happened.”

          “That can be a dangerous road to traverse. Are you sure?”

          “As much as ignorance is bliss, I want to know. I’ll take the consequence of it.”

          “I hope you don’t regret it.” The Sheppard went back to the group of lambs, who were already excited about the books they had pulled out. Roderich had found the music theory books and was still determining which one to read first.

          Matthew had a strong feeling he wouldn’t. He found himself again from what he remembered. It made him confident in a way he never had been before. His name was Canada, a fact that filled him with pride.

**Author's Note:**

> The song is "La Mer" by Charles Trenet. I highly recommend listening to it. It's a nice song.  
> Some translation notes: où es-tu - Where are you?  
> Also, explanation for some of the random name drops: James is the personification of Virginia; the name is from Jamestown. Laurent is the personification of Quebec; the name is from a borough called Saint-Laurent.  
> I hope you all enjoyed this little story.


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